Most Funny Quotes

Most Funny Quotes

“Man, I’m tired of following my fantasies. I’ll just inquire as to their whereabouts and meet up with them later.”

Mitch Hedberg (Mitch Hedberg)

“Gentlemen, you are not permitted to fight in this area.” This is the battleground.”

Dr. Strangelove’s President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers)

“Unless you’re a banana, the older you get, the better you get,” my mother used to remark.

The Golden Girls’ Rose (Betty White)

“Halloween marks the official start of the holiday shopping season. That is reserved for females. Christmas Eve marks the start of the holiday buying season for men.”

—David Letterman, The Late Show

“Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you criticise them.” That way, you’re a mile away from them and wearing their shoes when you criticise them.”

—Handey, Jack

“It appears that you’ve been missing a lot of work lately,” Bob says.

“I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob,” Peter says.

—Office Space’s Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston)

“A guy is defined by his clothes. “Naked people have little or no social power.”

—Mark Twain, author of “The Adventures of Tom Sawyer”

“Before you marry someone, force them to use a computer with a poor Internet connection to see who they really are.”

Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell, Will Ferrell

“Being married is a dream come true for me.” Finding that one special person you want to irritate for the rest of your life is fantastic.”

Rita Rudner (Rita Rudner, Rita Rudner, Rita Rudner

“I’d love to stand here and talk with you, Ned,” she says, “but I’m not going to.”

Groundhog Day’s Phil Connors (Bill Murray)

“It’s just a formality when your mother says, ‘Do you want any advice?’ It makes no difference whether you answer yes or no. “Anyway, you’re going to get it.”

—Erma Bombeck, author of Erma Bombeck and Erma Bombeck

“I want all of the things I couldn’t buy for my children.” Then I’d like to live with them.”

Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller,

“Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever Unless you’re lost in the woods and come across a path. Then go ahead and take that path.”

—Ellen DeGeneres, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”

“Insomnia sharpens your math skills since you calculate how much sleep you’ll get if you can ‘fall asleep right now.'”


“It’s like knocking over a Coke machine when you break up.” It won’t go over in one push; you’ll have to rock it back and forth a few times before it does.”

Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld

“I’m not superstitious, but I’m a bit sceptical.”

The Office’s Michael Scott (Steve Carrell)

“I go about my business as if nothing is wrong, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is slipping off.”


“It’s been years since I’ve spoken to my wife.” I didn’t want to be the one to interrupt her.”

Rodney Dangerfield, “Rodney Dangerfield,” “Rodney Dangerfield,” “

“I used to make a living selling furniture.” The only problem was that it was my own.”

—Simon Dawson

“There isn’t anything wrong with you that a costly operation can’t fix.”

Monty Python’s Flying Circus’s Surgeon (Graham Chapman)

“I was asked what book I would bring if I were stuck on a desert island, and I said, ‘How to Build a Boat.'”

Wright, Steven

“Surely you can’t be serious,” says Ted Striker.

“I’m serious,” Dr. Rumack says. And don’t refer to me as Shirley.”

—Dr. Rumack (Leslie Nielsen) and Ted Striker (Robert Hays), Airplane!

“No dawn is so lovely that it’s worth waking me up to watch.”

‘Mindy Kaling,’ she says. Is it true that no one is hanging out with me?

“You know you’ve entered middle age when your doctor, rather than the cops, tells you to slow down.”

—Joan Rivers is a writer who has written for a variety of publications.

“The truth is painful. It’s not as bad as riding a bicycle without a seat, but it hurts.”

Naked Gun 212: The Smell of Fear, Lieutenant Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)

“Alligators are naughty, according to my mother, because they have so many teeth and no toothbrush.”

The Waterboy’s Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler)

“When I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back, I never feel more alone.”

—Jimmy Kimmel, host of Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“Marriage is like a tight, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it’s not 22 minutes long.” It lasts indefinitely.”

Paul Rudd’s Pete in Knocked Up

“Being a mother entails never buying enough food. Either everyone has developed a taste for grapes and a week’s worth has been consumed in a single day, or fruit flies have gathered around my rotting bananas.”

—The Minivan’s Lessons

“I’m not crazy.” My mum ordered a test for me.”

The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons)

“In Hollywood, ladies come in three ages: babe, district attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.”

The First Wives Club’s Elise (Goldie Hawn)

“Bride or groom?” asks the usher.

“It should be clearly evident I’m neither!” says a wedding guest.

—A Funeral and Four Weddings

“Describe your ideal date,” Stan Fields says.

“That’s a tough one,” Cheryl says. I’d say the 25th of April. It’s comfortable because it’s neither too hot nor too chilly. You only need a light jacket.”

—Miss Congeniality’s Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns)

“I read somewhere that speaking in front of a crowd is the most common fear of the typical individual. Death came in second. This suggests that if you have to be at a funeral, you’d prefer be in the casket than give the eulogy to the typical person.”

Jerry Seinfeld, “Jerry Seinfeld,” “Jerry Seinfeld,” “J

“Only two things restrict me from dancing in that show,” Lucy says.

“Your feet?” Fred inquires.

I Love Lucy, Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Fred Mertz (William Frawley)

“Common sense is a deodorant for the mind. The individuals who need it the most are the ones who never utilise it.”


“How does a beer sound, Norm?” says the coach.

“I don’t know, I typically finish before they say anything,” Norm says.

Norm (Nicholas Colasanto) and Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) (George Wendt), Cheers

“I wouldn’t be astonished if I woke up tomorrow with my skull sewed to the carpet.” —National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’s Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase)

“Avoiding people you don’t like is the easiest thing to do. The real test is avoiding one’s friends.”

Downton Abbey’s Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith)

“Just wait a little longer if I don’t return in five minutes.”

—Ace Ventura, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (Jim Carrey)

“Our capacity to accessorise is the one thing that distinguishes us from the animals.”

Steel Magnolias’ Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis)

“I’ve reached a point in my life when running errands counts as going out.”


“A good tip to remember for the rest of your life is to never be attracted by a deal when it comes to plastic surgery or sushi.”

Graham Norton’s quote

“I’m not very adept at giving advise. “Can I pique your curiosity with a caustic remark?”

Friends’ Chandler (Matthew Perry)

“Here’s everything you need to know about men and women: Women are insane, and men are idiots.” and men’s stupidity is the primary cause of women’s insanity.”

George Carlin (comedian)

“Whenever I’m in a social scenario, I always keep my glass in my hand.” It makes me feel safe and protected, and it eliminates the need to shake hands.”

Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Larry (Larry David)

“Three things happen as you get older. The first is your memory, and the other two I can’t recall.”

Sir Norman Wisdom (Sir Norman Wisdom, Sir Norman Wisdom, Sir Norman Wisdom, Sir Norman Wisdom

“However, that is one of the reasons why New York is so wonderful. Even if everyone you care about dislikes you, you can still find a bagel that is so delicious that nothing else matters. When you’ve got lox, who needs love? Although they both stink, only one of them tastes delicious.”

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel’s Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan)

“Here’s some advice: tell them you’re willing to provide 110 percent in a job interview. Unless it’s a statistician’s job.”

—Mr. Gropman, Adam Gropman, Adam Gropman, Adam Gro

. “Does it bother anyone else that the baseball team ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ translates exactly to ‘The Angels Angels’?”

—DeGrasse Tyson, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Neil DeGra